A Dire Situation
by UnscrupulousGoddamnKnavery
Summary: A magical mishap leaves the Young Avengers team as felines, whereas an overeager pet owner leaves the team without a way to change back. Rated T for swearing. Inspired by tumblr fanart of Billy and Teddy as kitties.


The Young Avengers had faced many perils before. They'd bested Kang the Conqueror. They'd gone up against an army of Skrulls. They'd even tangled with Dr. Doom himself. But this was definitely one of their most dire situations.

They were trapped in a room full of kittens.

"_Billy Kaplan. _How the _fuck_ did you get us into this mess?"

"Why are you blaming _me?_ It was Tommy's brilliant, 'Let's make a break for it' plan that forced us to hide in the first place!"

"It would have _worked _if you guys weren't so slow!"

"Would all of you just _shut up?_ He'll hear us!"

A soft meow came from kitten by their feet, purring as it twined itself between their legs. It was one of many that littered the floor, covering every available surface. They were on scratching posts, eating from food dishes, scurrying after squeaky mice. Not one of the Young Avengers could fathom why the _fuck_ there were so many kittens.

Who would have thought that there would be a _kitten room _in the lair of one of the most evil villains in the galaxy? And who would have thought that the very same kitten room would be the only available hiding space after an infiltration attempt had gone slightly awry?

"Godammit, Tommy, if we get caught because you couldn't _wait for my orders –_"

"We won't get caught, okay? Look, nobody even knows we're here."

Their quiet bickering came to an abrupt halt at the sound of heavy footsteps outside the doorway.

"Come along, my dear. Let me show you your present." A booming voice said, the last word resonating off the castle walls.

"Shit. _Shit._ Billy, get us out of here!"

"Like _hell!_ Do you know how much effort it took to get us _in?_ I'm not going through that again! We have to hide and continue the mission when he goes away!"

"Are you serious? He can see through invisibility spells! How else do you plan to cloak us? Not to mention he's got more power in one eyelash than you do in your entire body! If he finds us creeping in his fucking _kitten room,_ he will not hesitate to vaporize us with his _pinky finger_!"

The door handle jiggled as the team of teenage vigilantes scattered, trying in a frenzy to duck and cover, like a twisted game of life-or-death hide-and-seek.

In one last-ditch attempt to salvage the mission, Wiccan muttered an incantation under his breath.

The last rays of blue energy faded as the door opened.

The masked figure glanced around curiously, his body tensing as it began to emit a deep black glow. The little girl trailing behind him noticed his change in posture.

"What is it, papa?"

The broad shouldered man relaxed after a few seconds, seeing nothing but kittens.

"Nothing, my sweet. I thought I saw something…but there is nothing here."

"You can see through all cloaks, right?" The girl asked, tugging on the ribbons in her pigtails.

"Of course I can, my girl. There is nothing to be afraid of. Now, come see your surprise. I've had every kitten in the village brought for you to choose from."

"Oh, look at them all! You're the best papa in the whole world!" The girl said excitedly, clapping her hands.

The masked man only chuckled.

"Go on, then. Pick one."

The girl joyously pranced around the room, gathering kittens in her arms like she was plucking them from the shelves at the grocery store.

"Papa, look at this one!" She cried, spying a small feline cowering in the corner. "He's so pretty!"

She reached for the brown-furred animal with frightened chocolate eyes, but before she could add him to her collection, a butter-colored tabby jumped in front of him, hissing softly.

"Hm. I don't remember that one." The man said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

The little girl eyed the blonde kitten, drawing her hand back. The kitten continued to block access to the brown feline behind him. With a determined "hmph!" the little girl pointed at the cat, her eyes beginning to glow red.

A crimson ball of energy surrounded the resisting tabby, who flailed and thrashed in his new prison. The brunette feline jumped up, trying to free his companion.

The child dropped the other kittens she'd collected (who landed on their feet with protesting mewls) and went for the distressed feline. She plucked him out of the air, mid-jump. The blond meowed and drew his claws, trying to scratch his way out of the energy ball, to no avail.

"Have you found one, my dear?" A booming voice called over the sounds of purring and meowing.

"Yes, papa! I want this one!" She said, holding the squirming brunette.

Out of nowhere, a pure white kitten jumped out, claws bared, and attached itself to the girl's leg. At her cry of distress, her father whipped around, zapping the small animal with a burst of black magic.

"My, his friends certainly don't want him to leave, do they?" He said, picking up the slightly charred and still glowing fur-ball, who coughed a tiny cough of smoke.

The kitten in the girl's arms gave a distressed yowl, desperately trying to wiggle free. Yet another round of attacks came when a dark brown feline head-butted the girl's ankle, and another kitten with black fur and blue eyes bit her calf.

"Enough of this nonsense." The masked figure said, using his magic to lift the girl off the floor and away from tiny teeth. "Let us go, my dear, before they turn you into a scratching post."

They started toward the door, troubled kitten in tow, when their path was blocked by a yellow cat. She bared her teeth, tail swishing, and made a swipe at the man's leg.

"My patience grows _thin._" He said, throwing the cat across the room with a wave of his hand. A bright red cat came at him in a rage and was treated to the same fate.

"Cole," he said, glaring at his assistant in the doorway. "I believe I told you only _kittens._"

"Y-y-yes, master! There were only kittens here! I promise you!" Cole stuttered.

"Promises do not have any merit with me." The villain said.

"M-master, please! I swear, there were only kittens! Please - "

Cole's pleas stopped short as black mist engulfed him, sucking the life from his body and leaving him looking like a shriveled human raisin before he turned to dust.

The six remaining kittens stopped in their tracks and stared as the door slammed shut behind the pair.


End file.
